


all my senses come to life

by skyekingsleigh



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AND RIGHTLY SO, Light Angst, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Parabatai Bond, alec is guilty, clary is sleeping, jace is confused, rooftop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 00:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17818586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyekingsleigh/pseuds/skyekingsleigh
Summary: Jace didn’t bother to mask his shocked expression, didn’t bother to hide the flood of emotions that seemed to drown him. The concern, the shock, the confusion, and–he realized with great disgust–the relief.





	all my senses come to life

**Author's Note:**

> another jalec angst fic, whats new? title from ed sheeran's "one", inspired by the line "tell me that you turned down the man who asked for your hand 'cause you're waiting for me." :))

Jace awoke with the strangest feeling. It was this slow, steady thrum crawling up his spine, this happiness and disbelief, and then before he could fully comprehend it, guilt crashed through him in an angry wave, strong enough to make him sit up in bed. Clary shuffled from beside him but didn’t wake, and it took him a few more seconds to realize that he’d been feeling Alec’s emotions yet again. It didn’t happen quite as often now that they’re older and had more control, but there are times, times when extreme emotions hit them unexpectedly that they forget to build their walls. And then they would feel _everything_. Still, the feelings were of happiness (although Jace still couldn’t understand the strong guilt that came with it), so he didn’t bother worrying. However, he also wasn’t that surprised when their rune tingled and Jace felt Alec’s presence back in the institute a few minutes later. It was half an hour after three o’clock in the morning and Alec came back from Magnus’ place alone, so Jace carefully left his bed and made his way towards the roof.

Sometimes Alec made it so _easy_ , when Jace had to look for him and he wouldn’t bother to hide–or better yet, find a different hiding place. Still, Jace had been wary of rooftops since that incident during Max’s runing celebration party, the thought of Alec free falling willingly still engraved in his mind. But the institute’s rooftop had been _theirs_ , in a way. And it became instinct that whenever they sense that either of them were up there, one would automatically follow. It’s just the way it’s always been, and they both didn’t bother with more confusion in questioning it.

The minute Jace stepped outside the roof, he could tell that Alec had already sensed his presence. His broad shoulders tensed but he didn’t turn around and for someone as tall as Alec, he looked quite small against the vast night sky.

“What are you doing home?” He inquired, and even Jace had to flinch at the volume of his own vice, resonating against the otherwise silent night. It took a while before Alec responded, and by then Jace had already settled beside him, both pairs of eyes watching the city that never sleeps sleep. 

“I’m not,” he suddenly said with a deep frown before chancing a glance at Jace. “Home, that is.”

His words hurt more than Jace cared to admit, like a bullet straight to his parabatai rune, and absentmindedly he caressed his left flank in a stupid form of consolation or comfort, maybe both. Alec definitely noticed, given the way he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose they way he always does whenever he gets annoyed or frustrated.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he grumbled out, but they both knew that the damage had been done. “Izzy, my parents–you…You’ll always be home to me.”

The emotions behind his words made Jace turn to look at him directly in the eye in confusion. “Alec–“

“It’s the truth. But here, this institute, this place, the clave…They’re the people who constantly throw us under the bus whenever shit gets out of hand, Jace. They’re the ones who almost executed Clary, who deruned my mother. How many times have they almost put you in danger or turned their backs on you? On us? On everyone who dared to have a different view than the clave?”

Jace took note of the franticness in his parabatai’s eyes, and the slight tremor in his voice that for the first time, he didn’t try to hide. “What do you want us to do, then? It’s either the clave or… _nothing_.”

Alec let out a bitter laugh that surprised Jace. “It’s such bullshit, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps,” he agrees with a small grin. “Are you going to tell me your real problem, now?”

The brunette nephilim paused, and once again Jace was plagued with bone-crushing guilt–all Alec’s. “Magnus asked me to marry him.”

And Jace didn’t know what he expected exactly, but certainly not this. Certainly not the panic and hurt he felt and tried to suppress, lest Alec feels it. Certainly not the selfish thoughts that he came up with, because all his life Alec had stepped aside and put him first, despite being in love with him, despite the hurt, despite his heartache, and even though Jace didn’t understand exactly why he suddenly began to hurt and feel that way towards his parabatai when his girlfriend was still sound asleep in his bed, even when he was the most confused he’s ever been, Jace knew that the least he could do was return the favor. So, swallowing back the lump that had started to grow in his throat, he forced a smile. “That’s…Alec, that’s great.”

His words were far from genuine though, and he knew that Alec could very well know it too, but they tumbled out of his mouth anyway and Jace didn’t understand, not in the slightest bit, because shouldn’t he be really happy? Shouldn’t he be glad that his parabatai had finally found someone who loved him enough to want to marry him? Someone who loved him in the way that he deserved? In the way that, only a few hours ago, Jace was certain he never could?

“Why–“ Alec paused to breathe out shakily, and Jace sensed his distress and frustration and annoyance, noticed that way Alec clenched his fists to control his emotions, his anger. Why he was angry remained a mystery to Jace. “Why do you lie? You always lie, Jace. _Always_. Even to me.”

He gaped, mismatched eyes wide with disbelief and a little bit of confusion as well, although he knew exactly what his parabatai was talking about. “What do you mean?”

Alec scoffed. “You always do this, Jace. It’s as if you forget that I know, or I’ll find out eventually. We bound our souls. How can you stand in front of me and pretend?”

“What do you want me to tell you Alec?” He sighed, shoulders slumped in defeat. “I don’t even understand it myself.”

Alec looked at him for a moment before his eyes softened and he looked down. “Jace, I said no.”

Jace had a feeling that he knew exactly what his parabatai had been talking about, but he asked anyway for good measure. “What?”

He gulped, brown eyes nervously flicking between Jace and the city below them. “Magnus asked me to marry him and I declined. _I said no, Jace_.”

Jace didn’t bother to mask his shocked expression, didn’t bother to hide the flood of emotions that seemed to drown him. The concern, the shock, the confusion, and–he realized with great disgust–the _relief_. 

“Why…” he trailed off, breaths becoming harder and harder until he felt like he was panting. “Alec, why would you do that? You… you love him.” He managed to spit out the last line but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

“I do love him,” Alec’s voice became pained as he agreed, desperate, and he shut his eyes tightly like he was dreading Jace’s judgment, although Jace could never judge Alec, not when he was confused as well. He repeated his sentiments, only more softly. “I do love him, Jace. Magnus, he…he’s shown me things, made me feel feelings and freedom that I didn’t know was possible. But I don’t deserve him,” Alec gave a very meaningful look at him. “Not when I–“

“Alec, _don’t_ ,” he didn’t know why he cut him off, just knew that it wasn’t right. Not now. Not when they both have people who love them, not when they’re both tied up with someone else, people who don’t deserve to be hurt. Certainly not when Jace wasn’t sure just yet, not by a long shot, so he says instead: “Magnus loves you.”

“I know.”

“Anyone would be lucky to have you, Alec.” The words tasted bitter in his mouth. “You deserve someone who loves you and so much more.”

Alec drew in a deep breath before exhaling slowly. The action seemed to calm him enough to continue with words. “Maybe. But I don’t deserve Magnus; certainly don’t deserve to marry him. Not when I’m still–“ he chanced a look at Jace before continuing. “Not when my heart still isn’t completely _his_.”

There was an abundance of pain. It was crippling and suffocating and self-loathing, and under different circumstances Jace would have reached out to touch Alec, to show him comfort and understanding and just _touch_ him. But something held him back; the very same thing that made looking at Alec a hard task when it used to be as easy as breathing. But lately that had proved to be difficult as well.

“Jace, I’m still in–“

“Please don’t say it, Alec,” he pleaded, and he’d never been comfortable showing vulnerability before but there he stood, baring his soul to the person he chose to share it with. “Not now.”

And it would have been better, he realized, had Alec shown bitterness, or protested against his wishes. It would have made him feel more at ease to know that they were both so strongly affected, as selfish as that may sound. But his parabatai merely nodded with downcast eyes, staying silent save for the quiet “Okay,” he muttered before turning around to leave. 

“Alec,” Jace couldn’t stop himself from calling out, not when he felt a painful tug with each step Alec took away from him. “You don’t know how much I want to hear you say it.” He paused, and the brunette shadowhunter turned around to face him again. “It’s like every fiber of my being, of my _soul_ , long for your words, for your confirmation that you feel the shift, too. But I’m also so _confused_. And I need to figure out things for myself first, or else I’d never forgive myself for hurting you, or worse, making you a part of an…identity experiment.”

Alec had to chuckle at his words, and that seemed to lighten up the mood a little. “You’ll figure it out, Jace. You always do.”

“And once I do,” his tone was filled to the brim with promises he hoped he could keep. “You’ll be the first to know.”

His heart had still been beating erratically in his chest when he returned to his room. He could no longer feel Alec’s emotions, confirming that his parabatai had built up his defenses once again. It didn’t bother him this time. He had a lot of emotions to deal with on his own, after all.

“Where have you been?” Clary croaked out when he entered, sat on his bed, fully awake now. Her red hair had seen better days, for sure, but Jace was more focused on the frown marring her pale face to take too much notice. 

Sighing dreadfully, he locked gazes with her, feeling the same guilt build up from his bones. His own, this time. Finally, he spoke. “We need to talk.”


End file.
